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To feel the pain of the world in your body
I feel everything. A lot. All the time. When it is painful. Such as Panic. Despair. Rage. I wonder if this life is worth it. In the moment, the pain may not be designed to be held by one body. One soul. It feels bigger than oneself. But there is no other self to carry it with you. In fact you do not want another self to taste it. Why would you want to bring such calamity to someone who is going by with their day?
Suicidal fantasies become appropriate. Provide relief. A sense of exit. Of perceived control.
People say reach out. If you are suffering.
The fantasy is that you pick up the phone call a friend. Friend says the right thing. And you feel better.
First, we might not even be in the right place to consider calling a friend. We might be caught up in anxiety repetitive thoughts, or drowning in unrestful sleep that the idea of seeking help does not even cross our minds.
Second, insert shame. Shame on its own, can suck away all your energy leaving you in disarray, unable to even dial a number. The shame of being a certain age, still dealing with same issues while your friends moved on to next stages. The shame of being too much. That might already been inflicted on you by society and your family.
