So I fell in love and it’s been fucking hard and beautiful

Photo Ellie Wildhagen

Not that I wasn’t looking for it, praying for it, and writing poems about it.
That turned out to be the easiest part. The part where you are single and writing lists of what you want in a partner. Or even daydreaming about sharing this ocean view bar bottle of wine with that someone who gets you.

I also prepared myself for the challenging parts: the anxiety at the beginning of a relationship that stems from childhood abandonment trauma. I read books on relationships including Gottman’s classic 7 principles of making marriage work, and If the Buddha Dated. I processed all my previous relationships with friends, my therapist and on Medium. Over and over.

But when love storms through your protective walls, you are left with no choice, but to fall and rise. I did not choose who to fall in love with, and how and when it happened. It just happened despite the circumstances that were not ideal at the time.

And I freaked out. Like literally. Embarrassingly.

All my learning, awareness and maturity faded in the mud of my fears. Basically things got messy in my head.

1. I became hyper sensitive i.e. if he did not return my text I would assume he found out I am not good at love and has immigrated to another continent. Yes those crazy…