Member-only story
Self-love is not enough
A Valentine’s day post
I went into therapy today, and spent the whole 50 minutes crying.
It is wild to imagine, that for all of my adult life, I have been seeking a stable healthy loving relationship, and my experiences have been disappointment, heartache and pain.
I came to understand how my childhood effects my attachment style, my choices in people, and that I must heal, the wounds and the trauma.
I have taken the work seriously, and I go to therapy, take responsibility, practice vulnerability. I have been facing my own shadows, and learning to deeply love myself.
All to say, that sometimes even that, all of the work, is not enough.
And on the day of love, for people like me who LOVE love, it is hard to escape despair. Impossible to avoid the crushing feeling of loneliness. The inevitable envy as I see the romantic posts drizzle on Instagram.
It also feels as if my dream of having a family is slipping away from me, even when I am doing everything to be a decent partner, a good enough mother. It is still very hard.
I write this, because I feel compelled to add to the diverse experiences people have on the day of love. And that manifesting the life you want is not always possible, and that trauma repeats itself, and healing takes a long time. And sometimes, you cannot understand why things happen in life the way they do.
And yes self-love is key. But also we all need someone to hold us at night, when the rain is falling, when we are terrified by the uncertainty of tomorrow. When we do not even know what we are doing here, and how long we are here for.
