2018, the year of individuation
2019, the year of “first times”
As I reflect back on this past year, I am grateful it is coming to an end, and equally grateful it happened. The amount of grief, the kind of physical unbearable pain, was immense. The cost of stepping fully into emotional adulthood, which seems like it was supposed to happen ten years ago, made it all worth it. And I am learning it often never even happen to people in a lifetime.
How it happened:
1- In order to meet my needs, I explored what they were, and honored especially the unmet needs of the child within me
Needs of my infant, for example being held
Needs of my child, for example play and being reassured
Needs of my teenager, for example emotional presence and mirroring
Needs of my adult self, for example companionship and growth
2- I learned, the hard way, that I can meet all my needs, but I must ask first
I used to expect my friends and partner to guess my needs and meet them. And if they don’t do that I get angry and resentful. By doing that I am asking people to parent me. Instead, I now do my best to ask for what I need, and be prepared for a no. And by asking and learning to take care of some of them, I feel safe and loved in this world.
3- I lost important relationships, especially when the other resisted growing
We talk a lot of boundaries, but we rarely talk about the cost they come at, which is loss. I lost my relationship with my mother for now, for speaking up and not allowing our sometimes abusive relationship to continue. Similarly, I had to accept my friends boundaries and deal with what could feel like abandonment and learn to tolerate the discomfort of it.
4- Listen to intuition. act on intuition. never doubt intuition.
Cliché but not really. I for example, had feelings my ex might be seeing his ex when we were together. It did not come as a surprise when I found out they were back together immediately after we broke up. Every time in retrospect, I knew the answer and did not listen.
5- Less shame, means taking things less personal.
I am way into my third year of deep healing, through mainly psychotherapy and plant medicine. I used to be buried in shame. Literally. This year I am starting to peak into a world that does not revolve around me being bad. Moving from rejections happen swifter, and gentler, with less blame and more understanding.
6- Being in the wrong relationship, just to be in a relationship is never worth it.
As much as the breakup I went through felt like dying, now that I am on the other side, I cannot believe that I stuck in it, even when my soul was crushed, my traumas screaming through my chronic pain, and my life energy dwindling. Fuck society, and forcing us to be in relationships as the only way out of loneliness. I now make sure my life is full of love and connection, and stay single until I meet my person.
What is next for 2019?
1- Explore for the first time my sensuality and physical pleasures. A long repressed and oppressed parts of my self.
2- Experience for the first time a healthy, secure relationship.
3-Be of service, through continuing to hone my psychotherapist skills. And for the first time, start seeing patients!!
My theme for 2019 is “first time.”
Pre-order your copy of child of the moon my first illustrated book of poetry:
about child of the moon:
in between being your mother and father
i forgot to be your daughter
and became the child of the moon
inspired by the author’s traumatic childhood experiences and set against the backdrop of the lebanese civil war, child of the moon is a powerful collection of poetry reflecting on fear, shame, despair, suicide, and the unconditional love that leads to healing.
